Thursday, June 11, 2009

5 Days

5 work days till I leave my charges of almost 16 years.

This weekend I have a lot of down time and I’m a bit scared of it.

How will it be?

Will I be sad most of it?

I do have some fun stuff planned to. I am going to see my youngest charge on Sunday at her game. That will be nice. I may invite the kids to a drive in movie to Saturday. I'm going with family. These things give me peace. I see "my kids" a lot when I'm not on work duty so I keep telling myself how special things like that will be.
The last few night I have worked late. So weird to me that I am working late, doing all the things I always do like helping M clean her room, or helping K do homework and yet they will have to take it over in 5 short days. It’s crazy. Life goes on. I think that their summer will be fun.

Camps and hanging with friends. I think the hard part for my bosses will be the fall. That's when things kick into high gear.
I have been thinking how much should I see them when I go? Should there be a limit? If I want to see them a lot will people think I’m crazy? I don’t know. I love those kids and if they get" free sitting like someone said to me I really don’t care. I’m not seeing them to give a break to the parents I’m seeing them because I love them. That's it.
5 days to go...Oh boy............

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

7 Days

Today is Thursday I have 7 days including today days left at my job.

It’s a sad day for me today. I am really feeling the end and not wanting it to come. I have been so good about preparing and thinking positively and today I have allowed myself to feel pure sadness. I have been sad, but today it is really hitting me. It is almost done. I won’t get to see them everyday. Hear about their day. Know all the little things I know now.

I hate it actually. This whole process.
I am hoping for no fanfare when I leave. I know some people will think that sounds weird. But for me I just don’t want a big thing.

I do not want a dinner. I don’t want any sort of big deal.

I won't see you next week. I can’t handle it. I can't do a big thing. For me it would be worse. I know myself well enough to know that I would get too emotional to have a big send off. Plus for me I am not seeing this as good bye. For me it is just see you soon.

I plan on being in their lives so I don’t need a big goodbye.

Its not goodbye. Does that make sense to anyone?

9 Days

So yesterday I said I had two weeks left on my job. I realized today that two weeks is only 10 work days. It mad me sad. I had a busy day with car issues and it helped take my mind off it until this evening.

M said to me see you tomorrow, I'll miss you.
I was thinking to myself she'll miss me?
I'll see her in less than 24 hours.
What will she do when she doesn't see me for days or weeks?
I don’t want this child to hurt. I spent the last 16 years making sure she didn't get hurt and now I’m going to be the cause of her pain. I know it is no ones fault and it is a natural end BUT it still is a fact she will hurt.

It will be because she misses me. It is terribly hard to take. In the beginning I’ll be seeing the kids about once a week or so. That will be super for them. After a bit I’ll extend it.
For now I need that for me as much as they do! Funny thing I said to one of my sisters-in-law how hard it will be and she said “Oh it will be good ….you are too attached to them." I was so angry.
Don’t tell me that!
It is the last thing I want to hear.

How would you like it if I told you that you had to stop seeing your kid’s everyday?
I didn't say it but I thought it... LOL. I know they are not my kids but my love for them is very deep and being told it's good to be ripped out of their day to day lives is the last thing I wanted to hear. Really..... I go back and forth. I know "my kids" will be alright in the end. Kids are strong. Lucky for me and them that they are not loosing me in their lives. Our relationship is just changing. That gives me some peace in it all.
9 work days left.. UGH

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Jenn's Countdown

Two weeks left..........
I have two weeks left until the end of my time with my nanny family. I have been with my "family" for almost 16 years. I have watched them grow. I have helped raise them. I love them. They are family. This summer my charges will be 8,12 and 16. I did what I wanted to get them through to school. I even got to stay longer than that.
Its heart wrenching. It’s crying all the time. But other days feeling ok. It’s knowing because we are so close that they will forever be in my life. Does it make it easier? Ill let you know in two weeks.. Scratch that.
I probably won’t know for a few weeks after that, maybe months.
I feel so many different things it is hard to put down in words.
Sad, hurt, accomplishment, love, heartache, happy, ugh the list goes on and on.
I bought gifts. Personalized frames for the boys and a necklace for M. She wears half I wear the other. I haven't given them to the kids yet.
My MB and I have yet to really say anything to each other about it. Funny. and strange. I think it is easier for us both not to talk about it.
Today I've said enough time to just stop,till next time.