Tuesday, June 9, 2009

7 Days

Today is Thursday I have 7 days including today days left at my job.

It’s a sad day for me today. I am really feeling the end and not wanting it to come. I have been so good about preparing and thinking positively and today I have allowed myself to feel pure sadness. I have been sad, but today it is really hitting me. It is almost done. I won’t get to see them everyday. Hear about their day. Know all the little things I know now.

I hate it actually. This whole process.
I am hoping for no fanfare when I leave. I know some people will think that sounds weird. But for me I just don’t want a big thing.

I do not want a dinner. I don’t want any sort of big deal.

I won't see you next week. I can’t handle it. I can't do a big thing. For me it would be worse. I know myself well enough to know that I would get too emotional to have a big send off. Plus for me I am not seeing this as good bye. For me it is just see you soon.

I plan on being in their lives so I don’t need a big goodbye.

Its not goodbye. Does that make sense to anyone?
Posted by at 8:45 PM

3 comments:

  1. That makes perfect sense Jenn. We had a picnic together in the park when I left L and J and I was dreading it. It did end up being a fun time, but knowing that it was the last time I would regularly see 'my' kids, was tearing my heart apart the whole time. Hang in there, I hope it won't be too hard on you, knowing that you'll still see them often.
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  2. Jenn, my heart is breaking for you. I have been with my current family for almost 7 years and the thought of leaving is unimaginable. I tried to put myself in your place, and like you said, it's the day to day stuff you would miss. This job is like no other, that's for sure. We put our heart and soul into these kids and when we go we leave a little bit of ourselves behind. I'm sure you have been a huge influence on thier lives. They are lucky to have you.
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  3. Jen, I know exactly what you are going through.
    At the end of September I left the family I was with for 10 years. It was very very hard. I was initially the one who made the decision, but both mom and I knew it was time. I was a live-in who worked about 70 hours a week. I homeschooled 2 of my charges, and was a part of the family in every sense of the word. Even the little one slept in my bed at times and upon wakening would come straight to my room. In many ways I was his momma too. Just thinking about leaving would both me and him in tears. After the decision was made I felt that mom was ignoring me, but in her way she was just tryig to deal with her feelings as well.
    The kids were 13, 10 and 8 the day I left. There was no big party. Mom couldn't handle that. They gave me a diamond necklace and mom wrote a wonderful note for me. I gave the kids something special that I owned. My 13 yr old got some of my chicken soup books because she loved them. My 10 year old was given my candy jar, because he loves treats. I filled it with Hershey's hugs and kisses. My 8 yr old received my koala blanket. He loves koalas and I figured it was a good way to keep mc lose at night when we normally snuggle while he falls asleep. Yes, there are some who would say he was too old for that. He did know how to fall asleep on his own, but he preferred snuggles, because he was very touchy and snuggly. Both mom and I loved that special time of day with him and so we kept it up.
    The say I actually left for good no one was home. Mom said she just couldn't stay to watch me leave and take all my stuff. It was probably better that way for all of us.
    I was off work for 5 months after this job. I knew I needed a break, but what I didn't count on my time to sort out my feelings and learn to live my life daily with the family I was a part of. I interviewed with other families but could say "yes", because I wasn't even ready to consider living with another family and being part of their life.
    I visited with the kids weekly and dad said that when I returned for my first visit it was almost like Santa was coming as the kids were so thrilled waiting for that special day. We still visit frequently, talk on the phone regularly, but we all have learned to live without each other. I'm still part of their lives in a big way, but differently. It makes me sad still, but I'm just happy to live close and still have time with them.
    I have so much more to say and thoughts to share. Please email me if interested at mlrodine@hotmail.com
    Thanks Michelle
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